This is why we are BROKE!

Observe: Link (Huffington Post)

Every time a congressperson amends a bill their name should be added to an appendix of changes right next to what they changed, and the final document should be distributed to all of the major news networks and other media outlets so that these trouser stains can be publicly humiliated in front of their electorates.

One way we can help fix the economy is to stop flushing money just because we like the sound that it makes on the way down.

I like money

You know what's awesome? The "economic stimulus" tax refund. I, for one, think that it's about time we started believing in magic and fairies again, and I've got to hand it to this administration for making it all possible. Perhaps the magic pixies could do something about the hole in the ozone layer on their way to the Republican national convention in September.

We're so broke that our national debt is closing in on 9 and a half trillion dollars, and so Dubya is going to send us a prize for not rising up as one and slaying him. Nine and a half trillion dollars. That's nine and a half million million dollars. Exxon would have to pay us in tons of diamonds to take gas from them to make that worthwhile. Gas stations would have to turn into free spas where high class hookers read you stories while movie stars pumped your gas and re-enacted famous scenes from their films to make it worthwhile. You know how this tax refund can make a difference? If ever motherfucker who gets their $1200 goes straight to WalMart and buys a shotgun and body armor and marches on Washington.

However, W's term is almost over, so that would be a waste of time. Feel free to do it though; the ensuing hilarity would make my day. Meanwhile, I think I'll spend mine on GAS.

You missed the point . . . I'm super sereal!

Do all of the people who don't believe global warming is happening think that reducing pollution is a bad idea? I think Al Gore is crazy too, but that doesn't mean it's OK to go all Looten Plunder and start rupturing oil tankers and clubbing baby seals.

The whole global warming thing is turning into a 21st century pseudo science-religion. The people who say it exists are so busy cramming it down our throats that nobody is presenting reasonable ways to reduce pollution and decrease the negative effects of human expansion. Meanwhile, the people who don't believe it exists are completely looking past the possible benefits of having people believe that it does. It's like this religion was created and the beneficial stage was completely skipped. We bypassed thou-shalt-not-eat-pork (because you'll get tapeworms or a flesh eating virus or some shit you can't pronounce) and went straight to the stage where everybody is strangling each other. This is admittedly more fun for someone watching (like me) but in practice it's pretty fucking retarded.

It's a great name, isn't it?

You know how bible beaters walk around foaming at the mouth with the thought that Jesus, whom they all verbally fellate while simultaneously ignoring all of his teachings, is at any minute going to return to earth for the final judgment of humanity?

What if it already happened? According to the oft-quoted but seldom read Christian instruction manual known as the bible, Jesus came (the first time) to help a marginalized people. Well guess what - you guys aren't marginalized anymore. The Catholic Church is the wealthiest landowner in the world. You influence foreign and domestic policy. What if Jesus came to a marginalized group the second time too, and you guys didn't even get a post card?

Besides, our society has become a bit more skeptical (if equally retarded) since the year 0. Nowadays, if some guy walked into a church claiming to be the messiah, babbling about the judgment of humanity, he would be popping pills in the Bellevue psychiatric ward in a matter of hours. Chew on that for a minute; Jesus may have already come again and someone thought he was crazy, so now the son of god is chilling with some guy who who gets transmissions from the CIA in his fillings and some woman who thinks she's 13 people watching Golden Girls in a padded room.

Last but not least, what if Jesus came in Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, turned the water into wine, and was subsequently buried under a giant pile of stones or weighed down and tossed into a river to see if he would float. Would it be anything less than totally apropos if Christianity missed it's big chance as a direct result of how twisted they had become?

But you already knew that, right?

Buying a hybrid car because you want to save money on gas - acceptable

Buying a hybrid car because you want to help the environment - misguided, but acceptable

Buying a hybrid car for the above reason so that you can pass judgment on people who drive what they want - fail. The 2% pollution difference is offset by the smug idiocy coming out of your mouth.

Are there any environmentally conscious people out there who don't do it to be self righteous? If there are, I applaud you.

Because That Would Be Too Easy . . .

You know what the best part of the whole Eliot Spitzer debacle is? He could have spent the $80k on a car and used it to get sex for free. Random bar sluts who would sleep with you because you have an eighty thousand dollar car aren't going to know who the governor is, the IRS is less likely to investigate a midlife crisis car purchase, and at the end of the day you still have a hot ass car to show for all of your trouble. Not to mention the fact that the man's wife looks like Jennifer Aniston and is rich as hell. How do people this stupid keep getting elected to high government offices? It's like the political gene is on the same chromosome as a predisposition to severe mental retardation.

People are going to be comparing this to Clinton, there's no getting around it, but the two major distinctions need to be drawn. First, Clinton didn't make a name for himself prosecuting the crime he got busted on. Second, Clinton got his for free.